The Mental Stimulation

Everytime I think "I am so glad I made this decision", it fills my heart with incomparable warmth and my body with a rush of adrenalin. Ever seen videos of people being shot out of cannons? That's the thrill I feel - the thrill of being the shot-from-the-cannon-chick, soaring high up above everyone and then after a few moments, parachuting calmly back down to earth.

Why did I decide to move across half the world? Because of the work, the technology, the vibrant intellectual atmosphere where I am working. I love being mentally stimulated. An atmosphere that feeds my ambitious spirit and curious mind, spurs my desires of developing new ideas and coming up with multiple visions of the way the world can change positively in the future is what I was after. And, that I have found here.

So what do I do? You might know the words - robotics/medical robotics but I think it would be easiest to say, this (random company) is the area I am working in. This, is an event I will be participating in. Next week, I have a workshop to attend with some of the experts in the new area I have started working in. The week after, I am attending a lecture being given by the second fellow on this page. No, my work is not related to human DNA in anyway. But I am curious.

I am curious about how stuff works and how stuff is and what stuff becomes etc. So, irrespective of the area, I like to read information or watch documentaries about different things. Last year, I saw a documentary on the human DNA and how the double helix structure was discovered by two very young scientists. It was a rather riveting documentary unlike most documentaries that can bore to tears. So I was more than delighted when I received a free invite to the lecture being given by the very honoured gentleman.

Yes, coming here, was the right decision.

Sliding Doors

Today was the first major depressive episode that I've had in months. It was the day, for those of you who are familiar with how these things sometimes work - where I was upset, ate lots, and slept and woke up and did it all over again, several times a day. The reason? I felt really lonely.

I still haven't made friends outside work and at times when opportunities have arisen to go meet people socially, for reasons I am unsure of, I have withdrawn and made excuses for not being able to join. So once work is over, I return to my bedroom and on weekends I should go out to art exhibits, for a coffee somewhere, for a lunch date with myself etcetera etcetera. But I don't. It appears like I've had enough of that. Last year it wasn't this way as my sister was there. But before that, for four whole years, I did that and somehow now, I seem to have had enough. I don't want to see movies alone, I don't want to go out to a restaurant and have a good meal on my own, I just don't want to. But I thought I would want to because I am in London and London is supposed to be a place of fun.

Before a few of you chant 'I do stuff alone all the time and it's fine'. Tell me, do you REALLY do stuff alone ALL the time. Like buying groceries, shopping for clothes, going out for coffee, all your breakfasts, all your dinners, day in day out. You don't even talk to your flatmates (because they are too busy and retreat into their bedrooms after saying a quick hello). You don't meet family once in two months. You don't catch up with a friend over dinner and say bowling once in three months. Friday evening, you are all on your own and you walk past restaurants/pubs/bars full of people cheerfully talking to each other and laughing.

I have tried to chase the numerous student clubs here and have received no response from even a single one. Then a couple that I wanted to join cancellened their lessons (eg. ballroom dancing). I gave up today. I just gave up and buried my face in my pillow and tried to bury me in my big bed under my big doona. And then Melbourne just came rushing back to me. All the dark days, all the pangs of loneliness that if you felt it would make your skin crawl. And I buried myself further.

I don't miss Melbourne because I wanted to leave it. I wanted to leave Melbourne behind me and start afresh. The fresh start seems to be rolling me back again, through those sliding doors that open up on me every now and then and engulf me in what lies behind.

But, I can't last very long this way can I? So, I am going to try again and chase the Student Union up to find out which clubs are currently active and where are they meeting etc. And if I want to withdraw from meeting people (because I feel very weird about friends...in a way, I don't believe in 'friends' the way I used to, I don't know. I oscillate on my opinion about friends and having friends in my life).

So here we go again. Hopefully, next Saturday, I will not bury myself.
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Special mention must be made of my parents, brother and Mark who have been calling me and talking to me every day. I would go nuts if it weren't for them.

Just For You

So here I am, having left you behind there. Everytime we talk, I tell you that I am happy to be here. I really am. I don't miss you when I'm busy working. But when I'm not, like on my lunch break, I miss you, in a good way. I don't feel sad. Sadness is only for Friday evenings. The rest of the time, I feel happy. Happy knowing you are there. Happy knowing what we would be doing if you were here. Happy knowing I might just pinch you and take to my heels teasing that you can't catch me. You always catch me. I have fallen so very often and you've always caught me, easily.

Everything is temporary with one exception. The only thing permanent is change. We have changed, much to our surprise, much to my joy, even more to yours. I am not worried about the future because I am comfortable. Comfortable with you. I see it and I hear it. No matter when it is we talk, you talk to me so tenderly and lovingly. My heart melts into a pool of Chocolate Orange. And the look on your face and eyes, it radiates love for me as mine did for him for such a long time. I respect that. The best part though are the jokes and laughs, teasing and chuckles.

Thanks for deciding to try your best to move here next year, just so we can both be here and here.