Today was the first major depressive episode that I've had in months. It was the day, for those of you who are familiar with how these things sometimes work - where I was upset, ate lots, and slept and woke up and did it all over again, several times a day. The reason? I felt really lonely.
I still haven't made friends outside work and at times when opportunities have arisen to go meet people socially, for reasons I am unsure of, I have withdrawn and made excuses for not being able to join. So once work is over, I return to my bedroom and on weekends I should go out to art exhibits, for a coffee somewhere, for a lunch date with myself etcetera etcetera. But I don't. It appears like I've had enough of that. Last year it wasn't this way as my sister was there. But before that, for four whole years, I did that and somehow now, I seem to have had enough. I don't want to see movies alone, I don't want to go out to a restaurant and have a good meal on my own, I just don't want to. But I thought I would want to because I am in London and London is supposed to be a place of fun.
Before a few of you chant 'I do stuff alone all the time and it's fine'. Tell me, do you REALLY do stuff alone ALL the time. Like buying groceries, shopping for clothes, going out for coffee, all your breakfasts, all your dinners, day in day out. You don't even talk to your flatmates (because they are too busy and retreat into their bedrooms after saying a quick hello). You don't meet family once in two months. You don't catch up with a friend over dinner and say bowling once in three months. Friday evening, you are all on your own and you walk past restaurants/pubs/bars full of people cheerfully talking to each other and laughing.
I have tried to chase the numerous student clubs here and have received no response from even a single one. Then a couple that I wanted to join cancellened their lessons (eg. ballroom dancing). I gave up today. I just gave up and buried my face in my pillow and tried to bury me in my big bed under my big doona. And then Melbourne just came rushing back to me. All the dark days, all the pangs of loneliness that if you felt it would make your skin crawl. And I buried myself further.
I don't miss Melbourne because I wanted to leave it. I wanted to leave Melbourne behind me and start afresh. The fresh start seems to be rolling me back again, through those sliding doors that open up on me every now and then and engulf me in what lies behind.
But, I can't last very long this way can I? So, I am going to try again and chase the Student Union up to find out which clubs are currently active and where are they meeting etc. And if I want to withdraw from meeting people (because I feel very weird about friends...in a way, I don't believe in 'friends' the way I used to, I don't know. I oscillate on my opinion about friends and having friends in my life).
So here we go again. Hopefully, next Saturday, I will not bury myself.
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Special mention must be made of my parents, brother and Mark who have been calling me and talking to me every day. I would go nuts if it weren't for them.
I still haven't made friends outside work and at times when opportunities have arisen to go meet people socially, for reasons I am unsure of, I have withdrawn and made excuses for not being able to join. So once work is over, I return to my bedroom and on weekends I should go out to art exhibits, for a coffee somewhere, for a lunch date with myself etcetera etcetera. But I don't. It appears like I've had enough of that. Last year it wasn't this way as my sister was there. But before that, for four whole years, I did that and somehow now, I seem to have had enough. I don't want to see movies alone, I don't want to go out to a restaurant and have a good meal on my own, I just don't want to. But I thought I would want to because I am in London and London is supposed to be a place of fun.
Before a few of you chant 'I do stuff alone all the time and it's fine'. Tell me, do you REALLY do stuff alone ALL the time. Like buying groceries, shopping for clothes, going out for coffee, all your breakfasts, all your dinners, day in day out. You don't even talk to your flatmates (because they are too busy and retreat into their bedrooms after saying a quick hello). You don't meet family once in two months. You don't catch up with a friend over dinner and say bowling once in three months. Friday evening, you are all on your own and you walk past restaurants/pubs/bars full of people cheerfully talking to each other and laughing.
I have tried to chase the numerous student clubs here and have received no response from even a single one. Then a couple that I wanted to join cancellened their lessons (eg. ballroom dancing). I gave up today. I just gave up and buried my face in my pillow and tried to bury me in my big bed under my big doona. And then Melbourne just came rushing back to me. All the dark days, all the pangs of loneliness that if you felt it would make your skin crawl. And I buried myself further.
I don't miss Melbourne because I wanted to leave it. I wanted to leave Melbourne behind me and start afresh. The fresh start seems to be rolling me back again, through those sliding doors that open up on me every now and then and engulf me in what lies behind.
But, I can't last very long this way can I? So, I am going to try again and chase the Student Union up to find out which clubs are currently active and where are they meeting etc. And if I want to withdraw from meeting people (because I feel very weird about friends...in a way, I don't believe in 'friends' the way I used to, I don't know. I oscillate on my opinion about friends and having friends in my life).
So here we go again. Hopefully, next Saturday, I will not bury myself.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Special mention must be made of my parents, brother and Mark who have been calling me and talking to me every day. I would go nuts if it weren't for them.
8 comments:
I hope the sun shines on you in London today. :)
Kanks, you are right, I don't know what it's like to be ALL alone. But I do know what it's like to be alone with only my husband (who goes off to work all day). That sucks. And I don't know how I would have made it without Charles, so I am amazed at you. I really am. And I'll say a prayer for you because loneliness can be all consuming.
Moving is hard enough, but especially when it is so far from anyone and anything familiar and comfortable.
We mourn when we move. Did you know that? I surely felt it. Even though I was NOT alone, I felt lonely for periods up to a full year after moving here. I surely hope it does not take you that long to start to find a niche. I hope you find a "kindred spirit" soon, sweet Aakanksha. We all need a friend--a real one, we can touch, not just imaginary ones who can love you through cyberspace.
HUGS!
The sun was out today Heather Anne and oh, how it shone! (Thanks :) )
I'm fine most of the times Jenn. It's just sometimes, it builds up a little. Thanks for the encouragement!
The actual work involved in moving is quite hard especially without the physical support system (I have tonnes of moral support). I have felt what you say Talena, but that was a long time ago, when I first moved. That, was quite difficult. This time, it is not that hard on a daily basis. Just, I am missing those closest to me a fair bit. It would be good to meet the family more, quarrel with Ruchi more, play games with Abhishek and go on dates with Mark! Otherwise, I am getting very used to change :)
Thanks Talena. I'll turn on my 'kindred spirit super magnet'. By the way, my imaginary friends are very cool and it's good to have them around! ;)
Hi there you. I am really not good at making friends and, like you, I tend to withdraw. Not good really, is it? But then I have the kids and my husband, even if we are not getting along, he is still there (though that can be a different kind of loneliness....)
I hope you meet some like-minded souls soon. I was completely alone when I went to live in France, but somehow found some people to befriend me after a few weeks. I guess that you have to steel yourself to make the effort?
Hey there Clare!
I go through phases I guess of being outgoing and friendly at times, and at other times withdrawn. I think my moods can affect my behaviour too. Sometimes though, the week is so busy that it is actually a relief to have a quiet evening...but you know that's when I miss the family most...just kicking around at home and talking over dinner etc.
I'll just make myself a 'I am an ACE friend" T-shirt.
By the way, Cambridge sounds good! (If I haven't replied to your email yet)
I love your T-shirt idea. I'd buy one, too. That would be great--then I could send people to your blog when they asked me about it!
Only if they're people you like Talena!
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